My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
