Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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