I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
