I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize