yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
