drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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