put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
