got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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