My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize