i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
