dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize