I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
