im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
