i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
