She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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