I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
