I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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