giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
