Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
