My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
