my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
