GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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