I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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