God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
