OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize