"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
