We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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