You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
