Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
