I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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