Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
