I think my fart just growled at me.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
