I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dicks are not precious.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
