New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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