After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
