woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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