you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
