im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
