I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
