i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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