I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
