She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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