My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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