am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
