i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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