Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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