My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
