I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
