If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
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