Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
