I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
