Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
