and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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