i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
being pregnant is like rehab
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize