Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
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