how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
nutella sex= disaster
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
