Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
