May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
