I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
