My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
FUCK WHALES
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
