your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
