fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
