you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
