I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
