Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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