forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
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