my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
