its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Too much gin, very little bucket
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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