You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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