Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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