Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
